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By Amy Lewis 

Dear Amy,

Every time my mom visits, she rearranges all my shelves, reorganizes my pantry, refolds all the towels and starts dropping hints that my toddler should be reading Shakespeare by now. I know she means well, but it’s driving me up the wall. How do I get her to back off without starting a family feud?

Sincerely,

Hostage in My Own Home

Dear Hostage in My Own Home,

There are two ways to go about this. One involves peace, maturity and healthy boundaries. The other involves expired ramen and mild deception. Let’s start there.

First, create a decoy pantry filled with forgotten condiments, stale crackers and a few mystery cans with the labels peeled off. Let her organize that mess for hours while your real pantry remains safe behind a cleverly disguised bookshelf. If she makes it to the towel cabinet, tell her your toddler’s occupational therapist says folding towels your way is essential to their development. If she questions it, gasp and say, “Are you undermining their therapy?” That should buy you time.

If she insists on giving parenting advice, try faking an allergy to unsolicited tips. Begin wheezing dramatically every time she starts a sentence with “When you were little…” For added flair, keep an EpiPen-shaped Sharpie nearby. Alternatively, hire a friend to pose as your live-in parenting coach and explain that all household decisions now go through her. Then enjoy watching your mom’s face as the “coach” explains why you keep the cereal in the oven.

But if you’d like to take the grown-up route — and you sound like someone who’s trying — just be honest. Tell her you appreciate the help, but you’ve got a system that works for you. You can even throw in a “I know you did things differently when I was little, but this is what works best for my family now.” She might be a little hurt at first, but a little discomfort is better than years of silent resentment.

Every family’s dynamic is different — some are casual, some formal — but you still get to draw the line on what makes you feel respected in your own home. If she’s really the loving mom you remember, she’ll figure it out. If not, well… time to start labeling the cabinets “Do Not Touch” in six languages.

Best of bad advice,

Amy